Face
​
She is still there, and it took me a long time to realize that.
​
I meticulously commenced memorizing some of the details. Yes, instead of seeing how she was doing, I sat in my chair and used my brain, which didn’t really remember anything, to try to piece together what she looked like.
​
She had many different shapes, and I was surprised to find out which one was the actual one. I never deliberately tried to control them, but each one of her was highly accommodating to me.
​
After five minutes, I compromised. I took out my phone and turned on my front camera.
​
Oh ... NO. She was so haggard. She looked a bit swollen and frustrated. I stared at her as she tried to draw a cheerful expression out of the corners of her mouth. She was trying hard to keep her droopy eyes open.
​
It is too hard to see. I wished she would stop immediately.
​
My impression of her was always fickle. There are times when a certain she stays for a long time. Sometimes a certain she may only appear for a moment.
​
My mental status impacts her, I know. However, when I am irritated, if I see her unexpectedly, I will do my best to make her look calm; I have trouble adapting to her that way. Even when she has no emotional ups and downs, she does not look pleased with her downturned mouth, angular jawline, and eyes that cannot stay open.
​
However, it is still better than being that way. When I am in an enjoyable state of mind, I am more inclined to visit her. She would look perfectly amiable. She no longer looks huddled together but all relaxed. The pleasure was infecting her, making each of her hairs on her look like they were dancing. “What a beautiful girl! My goodness, look at her!”
​
There are moments when I pass by a building with reflective glasses, and I cannot avoid taking a peek at her, and I am desperate to see what shape she is in. Nevertheless, most of the time, I could only vaguely see an outline of her, and occasionally I could visually identify better the sections of her that were exposed to the intense sunlight. It always felt like there was a unique vibe, more psychedelic and intriguing than when I was observing in the mirror.
​
Sometimes she looks like a dictator, sometimes she looks like a magnificent knight, sometimes she looks like a cunning old fox, and other times she looks like a child who seems not so bright.
​
She is flexible and expresses many things I would like to express and things I am not particularly eager to express.
Nevertheless, there were times she did not do a very decent job, and she inadvertently revealed things to others that I did not want to say, which made me mad at some point. Also, there were times when she could not express what I wanted to say, making me lose my mind.
​
But what choice can I have? I cannot just slap her. I am anti-violence.
​
In my free time, I occasionally interacted with her in front of the mirror; that was the only way I could see her directly and clearly. When interacting, I could detect any difference in herself at once.
​
I would sometimes force her to do something that would please me, even if it was hard for her. I admit that I am a selfish person. It seemed that anything was more important than making her comfortable. The only thing I did pretty well was always ensuring she was protected from the sun when it was very sunny outside.
​
I would need her to boost my confidence on certain occasions, although she did not always have it.
​
I could not accept her very well for a long time, and I even had resentment at times, although she did nothing wrong. It could be the monstrous social ideology of the time that distorted me. It took me a long time to learn about her and the world and eventually embrace her.
I feel an overwhelming sense of relief now, and so does she.